i want to be your perfection

It's like she's TRYING to get me to want to have her life and to make me hate him or something...like get over yourself.
Newsflash: I don't want to be you; I never have...and I never will. SO sorry.

I know you better than you think I do...you're not a saint; far from it, honey.
You're not as innocent as you try to make the world believe, but you can keep trying
and keep telling yourself that you're an innocent bystander or the victim or whatever...
You're not fooling anybody except those who purposely make themselves blind to it.

what sister?

My day has been filled with funny convos :

First Alex was texting me as I was driving home from work & I was mentioned what Vommy was wearing today....this is the conversation that ensued:

Me: He doesn't really wear ties much...like ever, I don't think.
Lexz: Ohh then why today?
Me: Just random, I guess? How am I supposed to know? You think I ask him? Lol.
Lexz: Lol no, but what a funny convo that would beee
Me: Lol, moron.
Lexz: Hush up, you.
Me: Never! lol.

___Later through IM___
Lexz: any chance of u just asking if hes gay?
Me: lmao no...just like there was no chance of me asking why he was wearing a tie today
 

Then later Lizzy & I were talking and this is what happened:

Liz: dude wtf, I got up to get my notebook so that I could do my microeconomics homework, and I returned with a sandwich and no notebook
Me: lmao, ohhh thebbs <3
Liz: Peanut butter and jelly <3
Me: ohh yums
Liz: yeah
Liz: strawberry jelly
Liz: my faaav
Me: ohh no, i'm  rape all the way
Me: grape*
Me: lmao
Me: woops
Liz: hahahahaha
Liz: most hilariously awful typo ever
Liz: Yeah, I'm not a grape fan
Liz: or a rape fan for that matter
Me: LMFAO i know
Me: wow that was bad....but it did make me laugh
Me: hahahaha, me too
 

On a happier note, Alex was texting me while I was in French tonight & we were discussing my moving to VA where we'd get an apartment together & jobs after we drop out of school. Haha. And I asked if I could bring Vommy (as Alex has dubbed him) & she said only if I found her a bf too and only until we find the brotherdoctors as I referred to them last night. And my response was, "So I can't keep him?!" lol and she's like "Tina! We can find someone we know isn't gay and then we can be sils!" (meaning sisters-in-law lol); so of course I have to say, "Well what if he isn't gay?!" and she told me that he still has long hair & he doesn't have a doctor-brother, so I said that he might. So she just like bursting my bubble by saying, "I somehow don't think so and what if he is gay? ANd he's not a doctor." and my response was, "I'll send him to med school! Lol" ....her response seriously made me laugh out in class: "Wow. Don't be gay, cut hair, date tina, go to med school. Ur bossy." LMAO <3

Honestly though....it'd really be her that's being bossy, because SHE'D be the one saying it to him...Not me. LOL

how bad is it that i have such negative thoughts about her? i'm supposed to be on her side, but i can never seem to be because i just don't get where she comes from and where her head is at. it doesn't help that she's reverted back to that girl that i can't stand; what happened to the girl that was happy with the way her life was, who was open and talked about things? idk, but she's completely disappeared again and turned into that person that i despise. *sigh* i just don't like this.

and i know she'll probably hate me for all of this, but really she probably hates me anyway....almost every time i've spoken to her in the past month, she's been a bitch to me & i'm so sick of it....i don't deserve to be treated like shit like everybody else she talks to. i'm sure she'd be happy to know that there was one point where she had me crying because i know she likes her guy "friends" better than me...isn't that nice? *shakes head* i don't even know why i'm ranting about this now...i've done enough of it out loud....i guess i just need to see this for myself, if for no other reason...i need to see my thoughts written/typed out, i guess. oh & the best part is...i talked to her a week ago, and she never ONCE mentioned the big thing that happened (at which point it had already occurred); i only found out at 10PM that night through a phone call from someone else. just wow.

sometimes i wonder if she ever even liked him....and i know that sounds completely bitchy, but it's SO hard to tell with her. you never know what's going on in that head of hers...and yet there are times where she thinks she's hiding so much, but she's totally & completely transparent.

so since i'm in the weirdest of weird moods & i don't feel like retyping it...i'm just posting a convo i had with alex about it.

b: is it weird that i feel totally weird (mentally/emotionally sort of thing) but idk why or what i'm feeling???
x: nope its totally normal
b: like does that make sense to you?
x: yes kuz iv totally been there
b: it's just so weird. like i have some weird feeling going on, but idk what it is
b: like part of me feels so...elated in a way b/c i feel like i'm finally getting my life on track. in the sense that i'm being decisive about it & trying to get it in order in a way?
b: yet...idk what else it is that i'm feeling right now...?
b: i am so lost in my own mind, lexz! gehhh!
x: hmmm 
x: maybe its just kuz things are like changing
b: how do you mean?
x: well its exactly what u just said
x: i mean ur making decisions for urself
x: and thats freaking u out
b: it's quite possible
b: i was like telling my mom about all the things that i've decided on what i'm going to do & my new outlook on everything....and she's like "what happened to you? who are you?" lol
x: but thats good
b: i guess...but i think it's something else too haha idk...hit me
x: *hits*


i don't know myself anymore

why'd you have to go and make me say these things about you?
why'd you have to turn around after all that we've been through?

he's back again...and it was totally unexpected. i went to turn a corner to park my car for church this morning and lo' & behold....there he is. i don't get it...it's like as soon as i'm happy without thoughts of him, there he is yet again. but this time, i feel elated in a way. as i got out of the car & saw him from a distance walking, i just started laughing & I don't really know why...all I know is that I might've been a bit childish & rude later on because I just didn't want anything to do with him, I mean I said hi and that's really about it...I didn't want a conversation with him. It's time I moved past it & him and just let it all go. I want a fresh start & I've been on my way to doing so...and I've been content, to an extent anyway. *sigh* Why does God like to throw these challenges our way when we just start thinking we've got it all figured out and we're on our way to a better life?

sometimes i wish she would just tell me what's going on. it's like pulling teeth....i try to be there for her & it's like i get slapped in the face. and i just don't know what to do because half the time i'm treated like complete shit & i just don't want to put up with it anymore. :\