i want to be your perfection

i just can't be with you like this anymore....

2010-01-02T06:19:10Z

she won't look at you

2009 = a shitty end to a shitty year.
2010 = shitty beginning to what better be a good year....or else.

seriously, i want something to go RIGHT this year, i'm begging you! *sigh*
please, Lord, let my current endeavour end in my favor...i'm sick of the chase.

you know that i love you, boy

That boy is a monster...

2009-12-30T19:20:00Z

he ate my heart <3

You know what I hate above anything else? Everyone keeps telling me that I have him...
Just from the little things I tell them, they seem to think he likes me. And you know why
I hate them telling me this? Because they're giving me hope...hope for something that

I know is not allowed to happen, that is not LIKELY to happen. I don't want to hope,
I don't want to believe until I know for sure that it will happen and that
I can be happy with him.

I'm so sick of looking...I don't want to look. I want this to be it. I want him to be the one.
And if he's not the one, I want to know so I can move past it. I set a deadline for myself that
if he doesn't acknowledge me out of the everyday context (for us anyway) by a certain date,
then I'm going to give up...or try to anyway.

But then my mom told me something that I don't know why, but I swear it hit me like the greatest revelation.
She said, "Perseverance."
And then proceeded to say how if I really want something to come of it or
if I think he's worth it, then I have to persevere. And she's right. I know it.
I can't give up, not if I think this could be it...regardless of the "rules."
I just need to figure out a way to make it obvious to him without making it
obvious to others and figure out a way not to have this fuck everything up
if he really doesn't like me in such a way.

Ugh this is giving me such a headache. :(

'cause when he's looking
she falls apart

you never know what you want...

2009-12-22T05:42:43Z

i start to go insane
everytime that you look at me

so when i started that paper i got most of it done. stayed up til 4am doing it,
but couldn't sleep until 6...and was wide awake by 10am. awesooooome. NOT.
so now i'm trying to get the last 1.5 pages done & finished so i can start working

on my Holiday sign for workyjerky.

i got called into work tonight (my ONE day off this week besides
Christmas Day, but that doesn't count because we're closed).
i was kinda annoyed at first, but it actually turned out to be
a pretty decent night. i like when that happens :)

taking all the doctor's meds, still freaking out

2009-12-17T04:45:26Z

i don't want you to say a single word

trying to pull this 7-8page french paper out of my ass now at 11:40PM
on Wednesday so I can officially say I'm done with school as of tonight/tomorrow.
and this way i don't have anything more to worry about until January 18?
i like that idea. so i'm gonna do my best to write this whole thing tonight
and pray i do it by at least 3am, so I can get a somewhat decent night of sleep.
i don't even care if i just write it mostly in english tonight and then i have
to translate it tomorrow. i just want it out of my head and way.

btw--i'm still extremely confused as to what's going on;
however, if the outcome is what i've been hoping for,
then that's awesome. i just hope it occurs in a better way than how it ended.
if you understand what i mean. watch in like a week i totally forget what
the hell i'm even talking about....Ah, well.

it's like a vine i can't untangle,
i'm freaking out.

another little white lie

2009-12-15T06:00:34Z

Cristina is one seriously confused girl right now. My brain hurts. This child confuses the crap out of me. JEEZ.
On another note....I'm dying to see Vommy right now, but that's nothing new really. ;)

oh, he's under my skin
just give me something to get rid of him

why do i lie awake and think of you?

2009-12-12T06:07:34Z

am i obsessed with you?
i do my best not to want you, but i do all the time

today was supposed to be a productive one....that didnt' happen.
so now tomorrow/today/whatever i have to clean, do homework (LOTS of it), and go to work.
FML.
also, alex & i have established that i keep her awake,
i keep myself awake, and she keeps me awake.
all because i have really lame stories to tell her, but they're exciting things

in my head when nothing else is going on and i need to tell SOMEBODY.

so i tell Alex & Liz...my go-to advice/rant/babble. <3
which in turn makes us all keep each other/me awake until odd hours of the morning/night

and it's usually when we have to be up really early the next day.

today at work, i realized i blush without reason...at least today anyway.
frankie asked me why i was turning red as he was talking to me
and i honestly had NO clue why.
WEIRD.
and it happened twice....like really? i don't get it.
the second time ralphie felt the need to point it out too lol.
they're such brats, sometimes. <3 lol

i'm so over it

2009-12-10T21:49:33Z

I'm obsessing over Katharine McPhee's "Over It" again. I don't know but there's just something

about this song that during some point in the year (usually about this time), where I just play it on repeat.
Sooo, I got a 97.5 on my Bio Lab today...LAME. But at least I got an A for the class...lab anyway.
I finished my French paper about an hour ago. It's due in another 45minutes.
I can actually say, I'm proud of this paper. For the class that I ditched the most.
Go figure.

I'm over wanting you

Okay, I lied. :) *shrug*

stalling is my downfall.

2009-12-10T05:29:07Z

it's twisted, messed up
it's crazy, but so what?

Soooo, I'm currently starting/writing a French paper that is due at 5:30 tonight. Awesome job.
Also, I have to be up at 8AM to go take my Bio Lab final at 9...
I have yet to study for that too. Go me.
I just can't wait for this semester to be officially done with.

I have a take-home final to do for Monday.
And in-class final on Monday.
An e-Portfolio due at some point next week that I have no idea how to do.
Another French paper due the 23rd but I'm hoping to do that next week too.
And then I can safely say that I am FREE for 4 measley (sp?) weeks.

Things to look forward to:
Work ;)
Florida
Ice skating
No WPUNJ! :D

Btw--it's my little brother's 16th birthday. WEIRD.
I feel so old. HOW is he 16 already??

no one believes me and you don't either

2009-12-07T04:49:33Z

weird. i'm pretty sure nobody knows shit about your life.

over yourself, goodbye.

2009-11-07T03:15:50Z

It's like she's TRYING to get me to want to have her life and to make me hate him or something...like get over yourself.
Newsflash: I don't want to be you; I never have...and I never will. SO sorry.

I know you better than you think I do...you're not a saint; far from it, honey.
You're not as innocent as you try to make the world believe, but you can keep trying
and keep telling yourself that you're an innocent bystander or the victim or whatever...
You're not fooling anybody except those who purposely make themselves blind to it.

you would not believe your eyes...

2009-10-26T15:00:58Z

what sister?

Oh, happy day! :D

2009-10-04T03:50:22Z

My day has been filled with funny convos :

First Alex was texting me as I was driving home from work & I was mentioned what Vommy was wearing today....this is the conversation that ensued:

Me: He doesn't really wear ties much...like ever, I don't think.
Lexz: Ohh then why today?
Me: Just random, I guess? How am I supposed to know? You think I ask him? Lol.
Lexz: Lol no, but what a funny convo that would beee
Me: Lol, moron.
Lexz: Hush up, you.
Me: Never! lol.

___Later through IM___
Lexz: any chance of u just asking if hes gay?
Me: lmao no...just like there was no chance of me asking why he was wearing a tie today

Then later Lizzy & I were talking and this is what happened:

Liz: dude wtf, I got up to get my notebook so that I could do my microeconomics homework, and I returned with a sandwich and no notebook
Me: lmao, ohhh thebbs <3
Liz: Peanut butter and jelly <3
Me: ohh yums
Liz: yeah
Liz: strawberry jelly
Liz: my faaav
Me: ohh no, i'm rape all the way
Me: grape*
Me: lmao
Me: woops
Liz: hahahahaha
Liz: most hilariously awful typo ever
Liz: Yeah, I'm not a grape fan
Liz: or a rape fan for that matter
Me: LMFAO i know
Me: wow that was bad....but it did make me laugh
Me: hahahaha, me too

what kind of dream is this?

2009-09-30T06:29:36Z

I dreamed about Vommy last night.
And when I woke up, I was happy and yet not,
because it seemed SO real....
and realizing it wasn't kind of sucked. :\

you don't have to say what you did, i already know

2009-09-25T05:39:52Z

On a happier note, Alex was texting me while I was in French tonight & we were discussing my moving to VA where we'd get an apartment together & jobs after we drop out of school. Haha. And I asked if I could bring Vommy (as Alex has dubbed him) & she said only if I found her a bf too and only until we find the brotherdoctors as I referred to them last night. And my response was, "So I can't keep him?!" lol and she's like "Tina! We can find someone we know isn't gay and then we can be sils!" (meaning sisters-in-law lol); so of course I have to say, "Well what if he isn't gay?!" and she told me that he still has long hair & he doesn't have a doctor-brother, so I said that he might. So she just like bursting my bubble by saying, "I somehow don't think so and what if he is gay? ANd he's not a doctor." and my response was, "I'll send him to med school! Lol" ....her response seriously made me laugh out in class: "Wow. Don't be gay, cut hair, date tina, go to med school. Ur bossy." LMAO <3

Honestly though....it'd really be her that's being bossy, because SHE'D be the one saying it to him...Not me. LOL

it's too late, baby, now it's too late

2009-09-25T05:25:22Z

how bad is it that i have such negative thoughts about her? i'm supposed to be on her side, but i can never seem to be because i just don't get where she comes from and where her head is at. it doesn't help that she's reverted back to that girl that i can't stand; what happened to the girl that was happy with the way her life was, who was open and talked about things? idk, but she's completely disappeared again and turned into that person that i despise. *sigh* i just don't like this.

and i know she'll probably hate me for all of this, but really she probably hates me anyway....almost every time i've spoken to her in the past month, she's been a bitch to me & i'm so sick of it....i don't deserve to be treated like shit like everybody else she talks to. i'm sure she'd be happy to know that there was one point where she had me crying because i know she likes her guy "friends" better than me...isn't that nice? *shakes head* i don't even know why i'm ranting about this now...i've done enough of it out loud....i guess i just need to see this for myself, if for no other reason...i need to see my thoughts written/typed out, i guess. oh & the best part is...i talked to her a week ago, and she never ONCE mentioned the big thing that happened (at which point it had already occurred); i only found out at 10PM that night through a phone call from someone else. just wow.

sometimes i wonder if she ever even liked him....and i know that sounds completely bitchy, but it's SO hard to tell with her. you never know what's going on in that head of hers...and yet there are times where she thinks she's hiding so much, but she's totally & completely transparent.

what is going on with me?

2009-09-24T02:41:02Z

so since i'm in the weirdest of weird moods & i don't feel like retyping it...i'm just posting a convo i had with alex about it.

b: is it weird that i feel totally weird (mentally/emotionally sort of thing) but idk why or what i'm feeling???
x: nope its totally normal
b: like does that make sense to you?
x: yes kuz iv totally been there
b: it's just so weird. like i have some weird feeling going on, but idk what it is
b: like part of me feels so...elated in a way b/c i feel like i'm finally getting my life on track. in the sense that i'm being decisive about it & trying to get it in order in a way?
b: yet...idk what else it is that i'm feeling right now...?
b: i am so lost in my own mind, lexz! gehhh!
x: hmmm
x: maybe its just kuz things are like changing
b: how do you mean?
x: well its exactly what u just said
x: i mean ur making decisions for urself
x: and thats freaking u out
b: it's quite possible
b: i was like telling my mom about all the things that i've decided on what i'm going to do & my new outlook on everything....and she's like "what happened to you? who are you?" lol
x: but thats good
b: i guess...but i think it's something else too haha idk...hit me
x: *hits*

i don't know myself anymore

mourning4you @ 2009-09-21T21:23:00

2009-09-22T01:24:57Z

why'd you have to go and make me say these things about you?
why'd you have to turn around after all that we've been through?

it takes courage

2009-09-21T03:04:47Z

he's back again...and it was totally unexpected. i went to turn a corner to park my car for church this morning and lo' & behold....there he is. i don't get it...it's like as soon as i'm happy without thoughts of him, there he is yet again. but this time, i feel elated in a way. as i got out of the car & saw him from a distance walking, i just started laughing & I don't really know why...all I know is that I might've been a bit childish & rude later on because I just didn't want anything to do with him, I mean I said hi and that's really about it...I didn't want a conversation with him. It's time I moved past it & him and just let it all go. I want a fresh start & I've been on my way to doing so...and I've been content, to an extent anyway. *sigh* Why does God like to throw these challenges our way when we just start thinking we've got it all figured out and we're on our way to a better life?

when you're falling down...

2009-09-19T04:30:35Z

sometimes i wish she would just tell me what's going on. it's like pulling teeth....i try to be there for her & it's like i get slapped in the face. and i just don't know what to do because half the time i'm treated like complete shit & i just don't want to put up with it anymore. :\

straight through my heart, you shot me...i just can't believe it

2009-08-02T01:58:31Z

why is it that when i have just a passing thought of him, i always have a dream?
last night i had such a vivid dream with him in it...and i was so confused b/c i knew that it couldn't be real because i knew he never saw me as anything more than like a doorpost...and it was like i was sitting on the ground outside talking to somebody (idr who, really) and i just feel this presence behind me....and there he is. And he just plops down behind me and basically i'm sitting in front of him; then I think i figured out I was dreaming because he then told me I could lean back against him. Yeah sooooooo not him...but it all felt and seemed so real. I just don't understand why I dream about him still....I wish I could figure it out. *sigh*

Uhm....

2009-07-13T02:58:24Z

Woops?

i love how ppl think everything's about them...*rolls eyes*

i'm wondering why....

2009-07-12T05:14:21Z

People who have it so good in their life, in almost everything they do, have to find ways to make it seem so bad...or find ways to make it that way....I'm also wondering why life is always throwing those unwanted, unnecessary obstacles in someone's way just as they think they've gotten their life just the way they thought they wanted it...It's like one minute, they're happy and the next, they want something else. It's greed in a weird sense of it--once you get one thing, you can't help but want more. People are so damn confusing. Just be happy with what you have, because Lord knows you have it amazingly good right now...be grateful, puh-lease.

Now that I've got that off my chest....sorta....

I gots a new job...I be working at Corrado's now.
I start summer classes on Wednesday and I'm sooo not looking forward to it.
I'm stressing about other ppl's lives and idk whyyyy...
My life is totally drama free and has been since like October...well sorta...it's been boy drama free since October. I had my latest bit of drama when I was in France...*rolls eyes*
It's so weird having nothing really to vent about, besides other ppl's lives?? Lol how pathetic.

FYI: i no longer have a "best friend" ....not like i ever really did....oh, well...not exactly a huge loss in that dept. i have better friends, way better friends.

all that i can hear is a simple song

2009-04-27T22:16:22Z

i really should be doing hw. but i can't concentrate...ever.

i have 5-6 french papers to do? i think.
2 for 2m night.
1 revision
2 new
1 for next week or the week after?
then all revisions. save me.

i have my final theater presentation on thursday.
still have to do that. fabulous.

lit final next monday.
psych final next wednesday.

finished next thursday?
finally.

i just hope i can get everything done.
i gotta learn not to get distracted so easily.
HA! good luck.

we'll be happy as can be

2009-04-27T00:25:54Z

i love watching Pride & Prejudice. <3 <3 <3

lovelovelove it.

why am i majoring in French btw?
i honestly don't know anymore.

i'm a mess

2009-04-20T19:38:02Z

i didn't go to class this morning. i didn't leave my bed all day. all i've done, is sleep. i finally decided at about 3:20 that i should really stop lyind down if i ever want to sleep tonight.
my head was killing me all morning and then i realized, i hadn't eaten since about 10:30 yesterday morning except a few pickings on cheese-itz when i got home from scranton...so no food or drink since then = dehydration. that would be why i felt/feel like shit.
oh, well...